Friday, October 4, 2013

Lost in Woodstock

Actually, I know exactly where I am.  Happily settled in a rented two-bedroom townhouse, right around the corner from the subdivision where one son lives with his family, and only an hour or so (in good traffic) across town from another.  Having spent a good part of my life in this area, I was zipping around quite comfortably within 24 hours of arrival.  But that's not the kind of lost I'm talking about. 

In spite of being happy in so many ways here, for a while I just felt "off".  Lost is as good a way to describe it as any.  At first I wrote it off to the change, pure and simple, but on examination it went deeper, right into something I've struggled with in my yoga practice, and in my life - attachment.  It's an important discovery, because in both instances attachment can hurt you, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

On an intellectual level, I get it, get it, get it.  And I've always thought it wasn't a big issue for me, because I moved often during earlier years.  But there was something about moving away from where I've spent the past 30 years that threw me.  And it isn't missing the house itself, because I don't.  I miss my friends, but thanks to social media and even good old snail mail,  I feel like they are still right around the corner.  I miss my yoga students, but I know that they are in good hands.  And I still have way too much stuff I'm dragging around to really miss any possessions.  The problem is what those things represent, and therein lies my attachment.  A rental just doesn't feel secure, like my own house did.  It doesn't seem permanent.  Everyone around me seems pleasant enough,  but they are not my old friends.  Face it, things like homes and friends help define who we are.  So now I have something new to chew on - giving up the things themselves isn't as difficult as learning not to depend on the security they give me.   Who am I without them?

Attachment may not seem particularly dangerous on the surface.   Being attached shows you care, right?   But look at it from the yoga practice perspective.  Suppose that I consider shoulderstand to be an essential element of my yoga practice; leaving it out would make my practice  incomplete.  It's so important that I  practice, 20 minutes per day, trying to broaden my shoulders just a little more, to lift my hips just a little higher.  Then I pinch a nerve in my neck.  Or develop GERD.  Or break my collar bone.  How will my attachment effect me now?  Possibly, push me to go into shoulderstand anyway, doing myself much more damage.  Or make me quit practicing all together because now it "just doesn't feel right".  Without the attachment, what would I gain - a newfound appreciation for the struggles others have in certain poses, maybe; or for the benefits of meditation and pranayama that I neglected before.  An attachment to a certain pose, or a certain teacher or studio or style, limits us, and takes the focus off the process of growth and change that, hopefully, drew us to yoga in the first place.

Of course, we all want and need, close, loving, healthy relationships.  And all humans require certain basics - food, shelter - to survive.  They aren't bad things, and feeling sad over loss isn't either.  My problem is letting my identity be tied up in them.   Things I'm attached to are a source of security, a source of pride, but they are not me.  And as I struggle to just "be", without my thoughts and possessions defining who I am, I am just as likely to feel like there is nothing under me as I am to have a glimpse of what it is like to be truly free.  It's scary, but it matters.

          "Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent.  On the
            contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over the mind through understanding
            the real causes of happiness and fulfilllment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and
            suffer less."  - Kathleen McDonald

1 comment:

  1. A new moon brings possibilities for a whole month of new experiences. After reading this blog I went outside and tried to observe the new moon. Science tells me it is there, yet I can not see it. I wonder what this new month will bring for you in Woodstock and for all of us as we feel the crisp autumn air.

    ReplyDelete